Losing and Finding Myself

The last nine days I've had a forced opportunity to lay around and do nothing but watch TV and ponder things.  I've been trying to make sure the pondering takes precedence over TV - after all, my mind is mushy enough - and many thoughts are begging to be shared. 

What seems to be nagging me the most is the realization that as I'm aging, I am becoming a stereotypical old lady.  By that, I mean that I seem to be losing my sense of Giving and have become more stingy with myself.  It's a trend I don't like so I've been diving into the Why. 

I think part of it is being taken advantage of not once, not twice, but three times in the last several months.  All three instances were giving of myself for what I thought was the greater good but which remain hurtful that these are still out there.  See if you might feel the same:

#1: a classmate learned at the last minute that she could attend our 30-year reunion from out of state.  She asked me to cover her registration, promising to pay when she arrived.  She ended up blowing off our registration person that night, so I and my co-chair emailed her several times following the reunion, reminding her.  The reunion was kind enough to pay me back so I am not peronally out the money anymore, but she has now ripped off the rest of her classmates.  And interestly, she unfriended me on Facebook, telling me I said something to her the Previous MAY that hurt her feelings.  Wouldn't tell me what so I could apologize specifically, but I also noticed that another friend (who really was a friend, or so I thought) also took me off her list, and coincidentally has become a good friend of this classmate.  Whatever.

#2: a friend of a friend's mother passed away out of state.  He'd been out of work for a while and didn't have the cash for a last-minute plane ticket to her funeral.  He asked my friend if he knew of anyone who might be willing to sell airline miles so he could get there, and he said he had an immediate down payment of $500 if anyone could wait for the balance.  I had a couple of free trips on Southwest so offered to sell them for himself and his brother only for the cash I put out, $110 for both tickets.  He accepted and was very thankful that he'd have the extra cash for expenses while there.  This was last fall and I've not seen the money.  If it was my friend, it would be a non-issue and there would be no money to exchange - that's what friends do.   I don't know this guy but I imagine my friend would feel pretty bad if he knew this was outstanding.

#3: we are so fortunate to have been season ticket holders for Dave's favorite team, the UW Huskies, so last year when extra tickets were offered for sale, we purchased two extra pair of Ducks-Huskies tickets.  Of course several people were interested so it became a first-come first-served situation, and one pair went to someone I thought would become a new friend after having been an acquaintance for a few years.  Unfortunately, the account on which the check was written was hacked or something so she asked me to not cash it and said she would immediately send me a replacement from the new account.  This was last November and several reminders, both nice and not so nice, have proven that we will not get our money for these tickets.  The thing here is that several other people really wanted to go to the game and they would have been good for it.

What ticks me off is that I've always been willing to help however I can and have always believed in quid pro quo - what I've given I've typically gotten back ten-fold.  So these three situations have actually hurt my feelings even though I know that none of these people are my friends.  It just felt, in all situations, the right thing to do.

What ticks me off even more is that for some reason I can't seem to move on.  I think I know why:  #1 didn't touch just me, but my class. Though the amount is very small, why should she be exempt just because something I apparently said hurt her feelings?  I apologized in a general way since I didn't know what it was (but I have to admit it was with a grain of salt because it all felt so "high school" to me.)  #2 was done at the request of my friend.  Doesn't this guy care about his friend's feelings?  #3, it turns out, has been diagnosed with a pretty serious thing so my heart wants to help her but my head is ticked off to have been taken advantage of.

My pledge here and now: to move on from these three unfortunate situations and to return to being as loving and giving as possible to my friends and loved ones, the ones with whom it doesn't matter about paybacks, because their love and friendship is all I need.  If you're reading this, chances are you're on that list and I love you and thank you for your patience as I've gone into selfish mode for a few months.

Now: what can I do for you?