Disclaimer: I began this on my 50th birthday in May 2013 and just found it, unpublished. I suppose it still rings true.
***************
For the last few weeks, I've been taking good long looks at myself in the mirror, trying to see what, exactly turning 50 would look like. I've been perusing laugh lines with a 10x mirror, checking for age spots and just generally trying to figure out how I can be 50. I don't look like what 50 did when I was a kid, and I've gone through old pictures just to check. Good living, amazing genes and lots of luck have given me this gift.
But what I have concluded 50 looks like on a much bigger scale is just this: life's lessons along the way make us all who we are, no matter what age we are. Here are a few of mine:
1. When I was a kid, maybe 5 or 6, my grown-up (2 years older) cousin, Theresa, gave me her bike when she got a brand new one. It was a cool little gold-colored one and what I loved best was the flat metal "back seat" over the rear tire. That bike is what I learned to ride on but how I learned was by sitting on the back seat where I was about 3 inches closer to the ground, leaned over the front seat and pedaled away. I wish now my dad had a Smart Phone and could have photographed that because the visual I get now makes me laugh. Anyway, one day, after riding the bike in this fashion for quite a while, my dad suggested I ought to try the real seat and even went so far as to say that if I couldn't ride it across the lawn regularly that maybe I wasn't big enough for this bike. Challenge accepted: I didn't like it, but the lesson was that if you don't try, you'll never do it.
2. When I was in grade school, I went to a 6-classroom school house, with each room being home to each of the 6 grades I attended in elementary school. The lunchroom on the lower level was a place where older students, 5th and 6th graders if I remember right, could sign up to help and if you were on the list, you got out of class maybe 30 minutes before lunch to help get ready for lunchtime. Two people would sign up together, and it was typically best friends who would do it together. I remember vividly signing up with one of two other little girls when one or the other or both of us were the selected uncool kids in the group of little girls in our class. And nearly without exception, one of us would be back "in" when the time came to do our lunch duty and we'd have to work with "her." Kids are so cruel, and this taught me, though I probably didn't know it at the time, to try to be nice to everyone because maybe they had something going on in their life we didn't know about.
3. In Jr. High, all I wanted was to be a popular girl. I had many friends but never considered myself "popular", meaning to sit at That table, or be considered cute byThat boy. So I picked a girl or two whom I considered popular and copied them, not realizing that everyone but me know that wasn't me. I was constantly told to be myself, and I became pretty alienated from many who had previously considered me a friend. The lesson, of course, was people love you for who you are, not who you might think you want to be.
4. I worked hard and had the opportunity to graduate college a year early, though I had just a few credits to earn a second major so elected to return another term. I was lucky enough to secure a position right out of college so in February of 1985, I began my career. I returned to my alma mater to participate in the commencement in May but instead of a diploma inside the folder, there was a note saying I had an outstanding balance on my account and my diploma would be held pending final payment. I reveled in the day and returned Monday morning to my job and put a check in the mail for the balance due. Cut to nearly a year later and I was called into my boss's office - he'd been told I didn't have a degree and asked me to bring in my diploma. I told him the above story and promptly called my alma mater who then told me I was a few credits short. This was all news to me, especially since my records had shown I had more than enough credits. My boss gave me 2 weeks to clear it up and I discovered that two field study classes I'd taken through a local community college had not been transferred so I got to work on that and 3 weeks later, I had a note from the registrar, showing all was well. Yep, 3 weeks - I'd been given 2 so my first career out of school was over. I'm leaving out lots of details, but suffice it to say, I learned one can rely only on oneself, no matter what the situation. I should have not counted on my college advisor nor on others along the way.
5.
***************
That's as far as I got back then. I had exponentially many more life's lessons but I'll let those come out in a few years.
Maybe when I turn 60.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
We Don't Know What We Don't Know
I don't understand.
I've never been clinically depressed so I don't understand.
Relatives? Yes. Friends? Definitely. Celebrities?
Too many to count. So when I hear that someone I and the world loves
takes his own life, no matter how much I want to, I don't understand.
By every account, he
gave joy to everyone, everywhere he went. So who could have known what
was buried within? Such is the way depression presents itself so
often: the afflicted does his or her best to bury it, so no one knows -
and can you blame them? "Ah, just do something that makes you
happy." "Take a happy pill." "C'mon, snap out
of it." In talking to a friend who suffers from this very real
condition, these are only some of the things she's heard so of course she is
going to bury it. I would too.
But I, luckily and maybe
against all odds, have never had to do that. I, luckily and maybe against
all odds, don't suffer from depression so I don't understand. I want to,
I desperately want to understand so that in at least some tiny way, I can help.
I'll never forget that
day at Linfield. I was standing on my porch when my best friend arrived
home next door after a weekend at home with his family. He was visibly
upset and when I approached him, he broke into tears and told me they had found
his grandfather who had taken his own life. All I could do was hold my
friend and wonder why the old man didn't tell anyone, and why, after so many
years, did he chose to do it then and mostly, why, why did he chose to do it in
such a violent way and in full visibility so that when his son and family drove
up his driveway, he was the first thing they saw? I remember being so mad
at him for creating such pain in my friend. It made me think of my own
grandfather who I never knew. When he died by self-inflicted gunshot,
there was a years-long investigation as to whether it was a gun-cleaning
accident or if, in fact, he chose to take his own life. No one will ever
know.
Since then, though, I've
known the people who have suffered. I've cried with them, I've held them,
I've done everything in my power to help. But it's not something someone like
me, programmed to fix things, can take away. It is so frustrating to not
be able to help, and I feel actual anger when my friends hold back because
they "don't want to bother me." Well goddammit, I may not understand but I want them to bother me. I'll come over and crawl into bed with them and hold them. I'll cook for them. I'll make sure their bodies are nourished and their pets are fed and their house is cleaned and their physical life is taken care of.
Because I don't know what I would do if one died at his or her own
hand if there were even an inkling of a possibility that I could have helped.
We, everyone, are LOVED and needed, I promise. And not just by me, I guarantee it. I know sometimes it is hard to fathom that one amazing bit of information but it is true. And I don't make promises I can't keep.
I know this is disjointed. It is just like the disease of depression, of that I am sure: thoughts in and around, not knowing where to go - but with help, maybe, just maybe, it will all begin to make sense.
Rest in Peace, Mr. Williams.
Friday, August 1, 2014
Social Media and All It's Cracked Up To Be
Many years ago, at an early 90s Thanksgiving dinner, my cousin Jeff told me he had recently talked to his sister, Susy, who lived in Barrow, Alaska, for over an hour. I responded that I would be interested in knowing what the price tag on that call would be and he told me they had chatted via AOL. "AOL?" I asked. And the next day, I installed it on my computer and a new world began.
AOL introduced me to many people all over the United States and as I hung out in the Thirtysomething and Portland chat rooms, I met people who eventually became real, true friends from all over the US, many of whom remain in my life today. In fact, and few people really know this, the first time I met my husband was when this guy named Dave41236 (or something - we just called him DaveAndABunchOfNumbers) popped into the Portland chat room because he was moving to Portland and wanted our opinion on where he should live and what was going on. Several months later, LeAnn (Waverunner) introduced Dave and me at a party and within a couple of months, we were dating - the rest is history. Dave and I stopped hanging out in Chat Rooms after we got married and shortly thereafter, we changed our email from AOL and barely gave it another thought.
Until Facebook entered our lives. Here was a wonderful avenue for reconnecting with friends and staying in touch with family. "Finding" childhood buddies and college classmates is the main part but just recently I've learned the true value of this social media outlet.
Our friends have recently adopted a little family of four siblings (aged 13 boy, 3-year old twin boys and 8 month-old girl) and because their youngest-of-three bio kids is 10, they no longer had essentials for little kids. On a lark, I posted to my Facebook page a request that if anyone had outgrown clothes or items they were no longer using and which might be in Goodwill bags, might they consider rerouting them to this little family whose hearts were overflowing but who needed some essentials for the additions to their family. I could not have anticipated what happened next:
Within two days, my friend who lives in Qatar had sent to my friend's email box gift certificates to two retail locations. I had sent to my mail box for them a $100 gift card from a childhood friend. I had delivered to my house a crib with all linens and necessities, safety gates, closthes and toys; I had promises of donations and help from far and wide, and none of these amazing people knew my friends. Then a friend posted my request to HER Facebook page and earlier this week, I met the daughter of her friend who had put out the word in her office and the back of my Escape was filled with what she and her co-workers had gathered, including another gift card. So the daughter of a friend of a friend of a friend has touched this little family and all because of this social media outlet.
Oh, there are so many more examples I could cite. Sure, there are the not-so-positive political and religious arguments that one can chose to ignore - but for the most part, young Mark did the world a favor when he hacked into that mainframe and I'm thankful for the reconnections and the hearts I've come to know. Real, true friendships.
We've come a long way from "you've got mail."
AOL introduced me to many people all over the United States and as I hung out in the Thirtysomething and Portland chat rooms, I met people who eventually became real, true friends from all over the US, many of whom remain in my life today. In fact, and few people really know this, the first time I met my husband was when this guy named Dave41236 (or something - we just called him DaveAndABunchOfNumbers) popped into the Portland chat room because he was moving to Portland and wanted our opinion on where he should live and what was going on. Several months later, LeAnn (Waverunner) introduced Dave and me at a party and within a couple of months, we were dating - the rest is history. Dave and I stopped hanging out in Chat Rooms after we got married and shortly thereafter, we changed our email from AOL and barely gave it another thought.
Until Facebook entered our lives. Here was a wonderful avenue for reconnecting with friends and staying in touch with family. "Finding" childhood buddies and college classmates is the main part but just recently I've learned the true value of this social media outlet.
Our friends have recently adopted a little family of four siblings (aged 13 boy, 3-year old twin boys and 8 month-old girl) and because their youngest-of-three bio kids is 10, they no longer had essentials for little kids. On a lark, I posted to my Facebook page a request that if anyone had outgrown clothes or items they were no longer using and which might be in Goodwill bags, might they consider rerouting them to this little family whose hearts were overflowing but who needed some essentials for the additions to their family. I could not have anticipated what happened next:
Within two days, my friend who lives in Qatar had sent to my friend's email box gift certificates to two retail locations. I had sent to my mail box for them a $100 gift card from a childhood friend. I had delivered to my house a crib with all linens and necessities, safety gates, closthes and toys; I had promises of donations and help from far and wide, and none of these amazing people knew my friends. Then a friend posted my request to HER Facebook page and earlier this week, I met the daughter of her friend who had put out the word in her office and the back of my Escape was filled with what she and her co-workers had gathered, including another gift card. So the daughter of a friend of a friend of a friend has touched this little family and all because of this social media outlet.
Oh, there are so many more examples I could cite. Sure, there are the not-so-positive political and religious arguments that one can chose to ignore - but for the most part, young Mark did the world a favor when he hacked into that mainframe and I'm thankful for the reconnections and the hearts I've come to know. Real, true friendships.
We've come a long way from "you've got mail."
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Diversity, Respect and Awareness
"Hey, the Mexican is stealing the furniture." The rest of the crew laughed heartily.
I kid you not, that's what happend today as my primary upholstery subcontractor was picking up something at our request. The perpetrators were cabinet installers and Juan was so mortified, he picked up the phone and called our office. Rightfully, he was seeing red. Our lead designer immediately said we would contact the owner of the company but Juan was only calling to let us know what happend. He planned to contact the company himself.
As I thought about it, I couldn't let this go. This cabinet shop has worked with us successfully, at least at the project management level, for years. So since it was after hours, I wrote to the owner with a copy to the project manager and told them it was unbelievable and unacceptable, and that I expected Juan to get a call immediately with a heartfelt apology, and that at the very least, they owed him a promise of diversity training, if not a turnover in installers.
Why aren't we as a whole society beyond this type of behavior? I can hear some saying "well, it was an isolated incident by a bunch of jerks." I don't agree. This country was built on and seems proud to be a melting pot of cultures and people - yet racism still blatantly exists; negative comments about our neighbors to the south, despite the hard work they provide to our society, happen often; bakeries and other businesses deny service to the gay community; political hatred is at an all-time high; and we joke about drivers who have a different look. I'm guilty, you're guilty, don't try to deny it. We must remember that the statements we make, even in jest, even if they are true, must be respectful and must not make human beings feel less than human. It just isn't right.
It will take everyone's concerted awareness that whatever we say touches something or someone. If it isn't kind, why say it? If you have to say "I shouldn't say this, but ...", then don't. Wouldn't it be nice if, in our lifetime, the same harmony we see at every Olympics were an everyday thing? I'm not talking about free-speech. I'm talking about respect and diversity - and we can all take refreshers regularly.
I've just had one.
I kid you not, that's what happend today as my primary upholstery subcontractor was picking up something at our request. The perpetrators were cabinet installers and Juan was so mortified, he picked up the phone and called our office. Rightfully, he was seeing red. Our lead designer immediately said we would contact the owner of the company but Juan was only calling to let us know what happend. He planned to contact the company himself.
As I thought about it, I couldn't let this go. This cabinet shop has worked with us successfully, at least at the project management level, for years. So since it was after hours, I wrote to the owner with a copy to the project manager and told them it was unbelievable and unacceptable, and that I expected Juan to get a call immediately with a heartfelt apology, and that at the very least, they owed him a promise of diversity training, if not a turnover in installers.
Why aren't we as a whole society beyond this type of behavior? I can hear some saying "well, it was an isolated incident by a bunch of jerks." I don't agree. This country was built on and seems proud to be a melting pot of cultures and people - yet racism still blatantly exists; negative comments about our neighbors to the south, despite the hard work they provide to our society, happen often; bakeries and other businesses deny service to the gay community; political hatred is at an all-time high; and we joke about drivers who have a different look. I'm guilty, you're guilty, don't try to deny it. We must remember that the statements we make, even in jest, even if they are true, must be respectful and must not make human beings feel less than human. It just isn't right.
It will take everyone's concerted awareness that whatever we say touches something or someone. If it isn't kind, why say it? If you have to say "I shouldn't say this, but ...", then don't. Wouldn't it be nice if, in our lifetime, the same harmony we see at every Olympics were an everyday thing? I'm not talking about free-speech. I'm talking about respect and diversity - and we can all take refreshers regularly.
I've just had one.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
A Mental Safari
When I was in the second grade, we had a substitute teacher when Mrs. Irwin was out for a few days. I don't remember this sub's name, but she was Australian and she would tell stories about school there and I knew then that I just had to go. Lucky for me, I married a man with the same passion for travel and we've had the amazing fortune to have traveled to Australia several times together. But another thing Miss Australian taught me was that I had to take an African safari. I don't recall the lesson but for the rest of my life so far, I knew I had to go to Africa.
Fortunately, we made this second 2nd Grade bucket list item happen in October 2012. I expected to be awed by it, to experience life-changing things and to love it. I was awed by it, I experienced life-changing things but I didn't love it. In fact, other than the animals which were absolutely amazing and some really nice people, I didn't like it.
The disparity between my comfort zone and reality in many parts of where we visited was very wide. It began as we drove from the airport in Cape Town and noted acres upon acres of 10 x 10 corrugated tin homes. My immediate reaction was to wonder what I could do to help, and I pondered that for several days as we passed more and more in our adventures. Then it hit me.
I was doing what I've been critical of our government of doing for so long, being so arrogant as to think our culture is better, that we need to bully our way in and fix things. But this didn't need fixing. It was tribal, it was family and it was their home. And who was I to think my way was better?
One of the things that lead me to this realization was a man who was standing outside the District Six museum (http://www.districtsix.co.za) as we were awaiting our hop-on-hop-off bus after visiting the museum. He had one of those jointed wood snakes and he was approaching people to startle them, then giggling like a school boy. When he saw us, he showed us the toy then said he lived in the shelter around the corner. He proceeded to talk to us about the importance of humor and joking before he ran off to play his snake game on a group of students getting on their bus. I couldn't help but hope that the bus would come very soon - but before it did, he came back and began to sing. My gosh, this guy's voice was one of the most beautiful we had ever heard. It was magical - we didn't know what he was singing, if it was something tribal or if he was making it up as he went along, but we were completely entranced. Every few minutes, he would say "the bus will come soon, don't worry" then he'd resume singing. The bus eventually came and my life had changed.
This man was not unhappy. He didn't tell us he lived in the shelter to make us feel bad for him, and he completely recognized our discomfort. He took it upon himself to try to make us comfortable in his environment. The environment, by the way, that up until the mid 1990's, spurned him for the color of his skin.
I've been attempting for the last couple of months to put my finger on what I didn't like about this trip. It wasn't this event in Cape Town, though that did test my resolve. One day in Zambia certainly added to it. Outside the park at Victoria Falls was a lovely marketplace, about 150 yards long, and from what we saw on our arrival, held an amazing array of beautiful tapestries, carvings, etc. that we really looked forward to looking at and undoubtedly purchasing. After we visited the falls, which were spectacular, we visited the marketplace, the plan being to start at one end, shop our way down, then return to make purchases. Wrong. The first booth we approached had beautiful carvings and nearly the second we looked at them, the proprieter, Joe, picked up the one he saw us looking at, together with one that was significantly bigger, and told us that was the one we had to buy. We told him they were lovely but we weren't yet ready to purchase after which he got even more pushy - nice, but pushy. We told him we would purchase the smaller item. He very nicely wrapped it up and we were on our way. But little did we know that it seemed like the rest of the booths targeted us as Rich Americans and from then on, like with Joe, we were not allowed, or so it felt, to just shop. They each had in mind what we needed to buy and when we said no, they said they would come to our hotel later to get payment. We lasted one more booth before walking away.
Though it was completely cultural to the area and from what we later learned, not saved for tourists but the way it was for anyone shopping, it was without a doubt one of the most uncomfortable moments I recall experiencing in my life. The next day proved to be more of the same but even worse as guys (always men, never women) would run up to us and walk along with us as we were hiking, just to try to get us to buy. A tour guide we met said we were safe and that it was like their telemarkeing - but we couldn't hang up. And putting it in words here doesn't begin to describe what happened during these encounters.
Vacation and adventure, in my little world, is all about relaxation and education - so in view of this, this vacation was a great one. And I need to remember I was in merely one city in each of two countries and one attraction in a third - so to keep myself from judging the continent on this small portion will be my goal.
Awestruck? Yes, by the animals. A changed life? I hope so, but other than thinking about it every day, I can't say I'm doing anything differently. I guess maybe the thinking part is important in the grand scheme, and in the end, evaluating my comfort levels. It really was good to push them and in some cases, not buckle. As time goes by, I hope those moments happen more often.
And that when I return someday, I will love it.
Fortunately, we made this second 2nd Grade bucket list item happen in October 2012. I expected to be awed by it, to experience life-changing things and to love it. I was awed by it, I experienced life-changing things but I didn't love it. In fact, other than the animals which were absolutely amazing and some really nice people, I didn't like it.
The disparity between my comfort zone and reality in many parts of where we visited was very wide. It began as we drove from the airport in Cape Town and noted acres upon acres of 10 x 10 corrugated tin homes. My immediate reaction was to wonder what I could do to help, and I pondered that for several days as we passed more and more in our adventures. Then it hit me.
I was doing what I've been critical of our government of doing for so long, being so arrogant as to think our culture is better, that we need to bully our way in and fix things. But this didn't need fixing. It was tribal, it was family and it was their home. And who was I to think my way was better?
One of the things that lead me to this realization was a man who was standing outside the District Six museum (http://www.districtsix.co.za) as we were awaiting our hop-on-hop-off bus after visiting the museum. He had one of those jointed wood snakes and he was approaching people to startle them, then giggling like a school boy. When he saw us, he showed us the toy then said he lived in the shelter around the corner. He proceeded to talk to us about the importance of humor and joking before he ran off to play his snake game on a group of students getting on their bus. I couldn't help but hope that the bus would come very soon - but before it did, he came back and began to sing. My gosh, this guy's voice was one of the most beautiful we had ever heard. It was magical - we didn't know what he was singing, if it was something tribal or if he was making it up as he went along, but we were completely entranced. Every few minutes, he would say "the bus will come soon, don't worry" then he'd resume singing. The bus eventually came and my life had changed.
This man was not unhappy. He didn't tell us he lived in the shelter to make us feel bad for him, and he completely recognized our discomfort. He took it upon himself to try to make us comfortable in his environment. The environment, by the way, that up until the mid 1990's, spurned him for the color of his skin.
I've been attempting for the last couple of months to put my finger on what I didn't like about this trip. It wasn't this event in Cape Town, though that did test my resolve. One day in Zambia certainly added to it. Outside the park at Victoria Falls was a lovely marketplace, about 150 yards long, and from what we saw on our arrival, held an amazing array of beautiful tapestries, carvings, etc. that we really looked forward to looking at and undoubtedly purchasing. After we visited the falls, which were spectacular, we visited the marketplace, the plan being to start at one end, shop our way down, then return to make purchases. Wrong. The first booth we approached had beautiful carvings and nearly the second we looked at them, the proprieter, Joe, picked up the one he saw us looking at, together with one that was significantly bigger, and told us that was the one we had to buy. We told him they were lovely but we weren't yet ready to purchase after which he got even more pushy - nice, but pushy. We told him we would purchase the smaller item. He very nicely wrapped it up and we were on our way. But little did we know that it seemed like the rest of the booths targeted us as Rich Americans and from then on, like with Joe, we were not allowed, or so it felt, to just shop. They each had in mind what we needed to buy and when we said no, they said they would come to our hotel later to get payment. We lasted one more booth before walking away.
Though it was completely cultural to the area and from what we later learned, not saved for tourists but the way it was for anyone shopping, it was without a doubt one of the most uncomfortable moments I recall experiencing in my life. The next day proved to be more of the same but even worse as guys (always men, never women) would run up to us and walk along with us as we were hiking, just to try to get us to buy. A tour guide we met said we were safe and that it was like their telemarkeing - but we couldn't hang up. And putting it in words here doesn't begin to describe what happened during these encounters.
Vacation and adventure, in my little world, is all about relaxation and education - so in view of this, this vacation was a great one. And I need to remember I was in merely one city in each of two countries and one attraction in a third - so to keep myself from judging the continent on this small portion will be my goal.
Awestruck? Yes, by the animals. A changed life? I hope so, but other than thinking about it every day, I can't say I'm doing anything differently. I guess maybe the thinking part is important in the grand scheme, and in the end, evaluating my comfort levels. It really was good to push them and in some cases, not buckle. As time goes by, I hope those moments happen more often.
And that when I return someday, I will love it.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Life
A couple of months ago I mentioned some changes in our department that have since escalated greatly: on April 25, the Development team was summarily dismissed, effective 30 days later, and Joe hired two of his friends from Wells Fargo. Within a couple of weeks of our lay-off, the Construction Management Team - well, Seth, anyway - still waiting word on Richard in CA who was out on medical leave - was given their 30 days and in Seattle, another Wells Fargo employee was hired. The recently demoted Real Estate manager, who was my grand-boss until Lorri's departure, left, though I can only guess at the circumstances, and Val, the Facilities manager in Seattle, was packaged.
The new team will, undoubtedly, do well. I question how some will fit in with the Umpqua culture, at least at first, but that's not my problem. The big thing is this, and I mentioned it to the president and the COO before I left: what happend to six members (about a third) of a very productive team was just wrong. I understand business decisions and have been the "victim" of business-related layoffs in the past. But the way this was executed was so against everything the bank stands for that as soon as everything had cleared, we closed our accounts and took our money back to our old bank. So did Seth, and I bet the others may have too.
Interestingly, since then, I've told the story to friends and many have said "that doesn't seem to be what Umpqua stands for - don't think we'll be banking there anytime soon."
Oops.
The new team will, undoubtedly, do well. I question how some will fit in with the Umpqua culture, at least at first, but that's not my problem. The big thing is this, and I mentioned it to the president and the COO before I left: what happend to six members (about a third) of a very productive team was just wrong. I understand business decisions and have been the "victim" of business-related layoffs in the past. But the way this was executed was so against everything the bank stands for that as soon as everything had cleared, we closed our accounts and took our money back to our old bank. So did Seth, and I bet the others may have too.
Interestingly, since then, I've told the story to friends and many have said "that doesn't seem to be what Umpqua stands for - don't think we'll be banking there anytime soon."
Oops.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Losing and Finding Myself
The last nine days I've had a forced opportunity to lay around and do nothing but watch TV and ponder things. I've been trying to make sure the pondering takes precedence over TV - after all, my mind is mushy enough - and many thoughts are begging to be shared.
What seems to be nagging me the most is the realization that as I'm aging, I am becoming a stereotypical old lady. By that, I mean that I seem to be losing my sense of Giving and have become more stingy with myself. It's a trend I don't like so I've been diving into the Why.
I think part of it is being taken advantage of not once, not twice, but three times in the last several months. All three instances were giving of myself for what I thought was the greater good but which remain hurtful that these are still out there. See if you might feel the same:
#1: a classmate learned at the last minute that she could attend our 30-year reunion from out of state. She asked me to cover her registration, promising to pay when she arrived. She ended up blowing off our registration person that night, so I and my co-chair emailed her several times following the reunion, reminding her. The reunion was kind enough to pay me back so I am not peronally out the money anymore, but she has now ripped off the rest of her classmates. And interestly, she unfriended me on Facebook, telling me I said something to her the Previous MAY that hurt her feelings. Wouldn't tell me what so I could apologize specifically, but I also noticed that another friend (who really was a friend, or so I thought) also took me off her list, and coincidentally has become a good friend of this classmate. Whatever.
#2: a friend of a friend's mother passed away out of state. He'd been out of work for a while and didn't have the cash for a last-minute plane ticket to her funeral. He asked my friend if he knew of anyone who might be willing to sell airline miles so he could get there, and he said he had an immediate down payment of $500 if anyone could wait for the balance. I had a couple of free trips on Southwest so offered to sell them for himself and his brother only for the cash I put out, $110 for both tickets. He accepted and was very thankful that he'd have the extra cash for expenses while there. This was last fall and I've not seen the money. If it was my friend, it would be a non-issue and there would be no money to exchange - that's what friends do. I don't know this guy but I imagine my friend would feel pretty bad if he knew this was outstanding.
#3: we are so fortunate to have been season ticket holders for Dave's favorite team, the UW Huskies, so last year when extra tickets were offered for sale, we purchased two extra pair of Ducks-Huskies tickets. Of course several people were interested so it became a first-come first-served situation, and one pair went to someone I thought would become a new friend after having been an acquaintance for a few years. Unfortunately, the account on which the check was written was hacked or something so she asked me to not cash it and said she would immediately send me a replacement from the new account. This was last November and several reminders, both nice and not so nice, have proven that we will not get our money for these tickets. The thing here is that several other people really wanted to go to the game and they would have been good for it.
What ticks me off is that I've always been willing to help however I can and have always believed in quid pro quo - what I've given I've typically gotten back ten-fold. So these three situations have actually hurt my feelings even though I know that none of these people are my friends. It just felt, in all situations, the right thing to do.
What ticks me off even more is that for some reason I can't seem to move on. I think I know why: #1 didn't touch just me, but my class. Though the amount is very small, why should she be exempt just because something I apparently said hurt her feelings? I apologized in a general way since I didn't know what it was (but I have to admit it was with a grain of salt because it all felt so "high school" to me.) #2 was done at the request of my friend. Doesn't this guy care about his friend's feelings? #3, it turns out, has been diagnosed with a pretty serious thing so my heart wants to help her but my head is ticked off to have been taken advantage of.
My pledge here and now: to move on from these three unfortunate situations and to return to being as loving and giving as possible to my friends and loved ones, the ones with whom it doesn't matter about paybacks, because their love and friendship is all I need. If you're reading this, chances are you're on that list and I love you and thank you for your patience as I've gone into selfish mode for a few months.
Now: what can I do for you?
What seems to be nagging me the most is the realization that as I'm aging, I am becoming a stereotypical old lady. By that, I mean that I seem to be losing my sense of Giving and have become more stingy with myself. It's a trend I don't like so I've been diving into the Why.
I think part of it is being taken advantage of not once, not twice, but three times in the last several months. All three instances were giving of myself for what I thought was the greater good but which remain hurtful that these are still out there. See if you might feel the same:
#1: a classmate learned at the last minute that she could attend our 30-year reunion from out of state. She asked me to cover her registration, promising to pay when she arrived. She ended up blowing off our registration person that night, so I and my co-chair emailed her several times following the reunion, reminding her. The reunion was kind enough to pay me back so I am not peronally out the money anymore, but she has now ripped off the rest of her classmates. And interestly, she unfriended me on Facebook, telling me I said something to her the Previous MAY that hurt her feelings. Wouldn't tell me what so I could apologize specifically, but I also noticed that another friend (who really was a friend, or so I thought) also took me off her list, and coincidentally has become a good friend of this classmate. Whatever.
#2: a friend of a friend's mother passed away out of state. He'd been out of work for a while and didn't have the cash for a last-minute plane ticket to her funeral. He asked my friend if he knew of anyone who might be willing to sell airline miles so he could get there, and he said he had an immediate down payment of $500 if anyone could wait for the balance. I had a couple of free trips on Southwest so offered to sell them for himself and his brother only for the cash I put out, $110 for both tickets. He accepted and was very thankful that he'd have the extra cash for expenses while there. This was last fall and I've not seen the money. If it was my friend, it would be a non-issue and there would be no money to exchange - that's what friends do. I don't know this guy but I imagine my friend would feel pretty bad if he knew this was outstanding.
#3: we are so fortunate to have been season ticket holders for Dave's favorite team, the UW Huskies, so last year when extra tickets were offered for sale, we purchased two extra pair of Ducks-Huskies tickets. Of course several people were interested so it became a first-come first-served situation, and one pair went to someone I thought would become a new friend after having been an acquaintance for a few years. Unfortunately, the account on which the check was written was hacked or something so she asked me to not cash it and said she would immediately send me a replacement from the new account. This was last November and several reminders, both nice and not so nice, have proven that we will not get our money for these tickets. The thing here is that several other people really wanted to go to the game and they would have been good for it.
What ticks me off is that I've always been willing to help however I can and have always believed in quid pro quo - what I've given I've typically gotten back ten-fold. So these three situations have actually hurt my feelings even though I know that none of these people are my friends. It just felt, in all situations, the right thing to do.
What ticks me off even more is that for some reason I can't seem to move on. I think I know why: #1 didn't touch just me, but my class. Though the amount is very small, why should she be exempt just because something I apparently said hurt her feelings? I apologized in a general way since I didn't know what it was (but I have to admit it was with a grain of salt because it all felt so "high school" to me.) #2 was done at the request of my friend. Doesn't this guy care about his friend's feelings? #3, it turns out, has been diagnosed with a pretty serious thing so my heart wants to help her but my head is ticked off to have been taken advantage of.
My pledge here and now: to move on from these three unfortunate situations and to return to being as loving and giving as possible to my friends and loved ones, the ones with whom it doesn't matter about paybacks, because their love and friendship is all I need. If you're reading this, chances are you're on that list and I love you and thank you for your patience as I've gone into selfish mode for a few months.
Now: what can I do for you?
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